Because I loved you both differently
Ayden. When I think of you I see a man with whom I want to grow old with, to
have a child with, to leave 24/7 as his submissive and be in love and happy
every second. I see in you more than just a Dom, I see a friend, a lover a
partner.
Escher was my Dominant. He has tried to be
friends and get close to me but we often hit an age gap or just different views
or things that for me has vital importance that for him were just petty. I
loved him for what he made me experience, for my first steps into the
lifestyle, the emotions and sensations he allowed me to feel. When he left me I
tried to get him back because I loved the feeling of submission andin my
depression and fragile state back then I refused to let anyone else close
including you because I thought it wont be the same way and I wanted to get
back that feeling, to be like before the pain and depression. That is why I
made that last attempt to talk to him. But that was it. The closure. I realised
that I loved the idea of being owned and that I deserved someone to treat me
better.
I was still in the process of analyzing my
feelings and I was determined to make things work with you but I have always
told you that i love you and its unfair to jump in a relationship with you when
i have not moved on yet. I do not regret not being with you back then because I
hated myself, I felt not good enough, not worth being yours and whenever you
were exra sweet and loving I was just scared that I will give in and be left
again. And Ayden, I was dreaming of you every night practicing speech after
speech in my mind of how I want you but I need help and need time to move on.
And it was my right to tell you about those talks to Escher when my emotional
stability allowed it because when she showed them to you there was only one man
left in my heart...my only true Master..you.
